I’m not even sure what to mention first, there’s such an astounding amount of greatness in this video from the 1974 Miss America pageant. The outfits? The feathered hair? The music? The song? The dancers? (Oh god, the dancers.) Or the fact that Miss Michigan is almost certainly a man???

Seriously, I think I could watch this for hours on end. I’m also struggling to not keep watching all the other similar sequences from other years that were uploaded. (Thanks for the tip, Del!)

But even I didn’t know until this week that there was also a live-action tv series that lasted a whopping seven episodes on Fox in 1992. And now that I’ve seen the trailer, I cannot un-watch this nightmare.

On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s a negative 17. I love how the two leads were clearly chosen based on the fact that one of them was be easily given blond curly hair like Alex Winters, while the other one could do a semi-recognizable impersonation of Keanu Reeves’s voice (and had a gnarly wig slapped on his head). There’s even some full clips from actual episodes of the show on YouTube, but I don’t recommend watching them in the same way that I don’t recommend staring directly into the sun. I mean sure, you can do it if you really want, but don’t come crying to me when your retinas are burnt to a crisp.

Then again, it also turns out there was a Benji television spin-off involving a hunt for aliens (no, really) so this clearly is not the most inane movie-to-tv-series decision ever. But it’s still pretty impressive in a bad sort of way.

And suddenly the thought pops into my head. Just how bad do they gouge you on shipping and handling?

So out of curiousity, I go to their website and go to the ordering page… and it’s an even bigger rip-off than I imagined. As it turns out, there are two ordering options available:

Send me:

The [big rip-off] for one easy and convenient payment of $199.75 plus $34.50 S&H. Save the $14.95 trial fee!

The [big rip-off] to try for 30 days in the comfort of my own home for only $14.95 plus $34.50 S&H. If I decide to keep it after the 30 day trial, then it is only 5 easy payments of $39.95.

Holy cow. Funny how they don’t mention the $14.95 is just a trial fee. $200 plus another $35 shipping. I wonder how many people they sucker into their trap who just blindly call the phone number? Yeesh. This is why I don’t really miss commercials at all.

30 Rock — We’ve only had one episode so far this fall, but still the funniest show on television. Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, and the rest of the cast? Golden.

The Chef Jeff Project — So so so so so good. Chef Jeff was in prison for ten years and learned there how to cook. Now that he’s made it in life, he’s helping six disadvantaged and at-risk young adults by teaching them how to cook. You really can see some of them genuinely changing for the better, and blossoming under his care. It’s on Food Network, do try and check it out.

The Office — I have to give them credit, having Jenna Fischer elsewhere while using Amy Ryan as a guest star could have been the kiss of death, but it’s still smart and entertaining. Thumbs up!

Survivor: Gabon — I’d stopped watching Survivor about two years ago when my 8-9pm Thursday slot was triple-booked. That’s no longer the case, so I thought I’d give it another chance, and I must say that absence has made the heart grow fonder. Pretty darn entertaining, with just enough twists and turns this year (coupled with some of the best surroundings I’ve seen on the show… actual elephants charging the camp???) that I want to see more. Thumbs up!

The Amazing Race — Still want to be on this show. Pure and simple.

How I Met Your Mother — I started watching this last season and I’m pretty well entertained. This season has felt a little rushed, like part of this storyline was supposed to have played out last season before the writer’s strike cut everything short. But still good, especially because Neil Patrick Harris is comedy gold.

True Blood — I’m mortified to admit that I have only watched the pilot so far, but episodes 2-9 are still on my DVR. I’ve cleared everything else I recorded off, though, so I’m looking forward to sitting down and watching the rest of them before the first one. But I did like the pilot.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia — Good, don’t get me wrong, but this season is starting to lose a tiny bit of steam. Danny DeVito’s character shifting from a father role to “one of the guys” is part of the problem, I think, but some of the stories have just felt like they’re trying a tiny bit too hard. Still pretty good, but there haven’t been as many episodes this season where I’ve felt like falling off my couch in shock.

Pushing Daisies — Still enjoyable, but not as strong as the first season. It’s been a little grimmer, and that sense of whimsy isn’t there as much as before. But honestly, I could watch Chi McBride and Kristen Chenowith every week, and for that alone I’ll stick around. Good, but last season was great.

Entourage — Another show that’s feeling like it is losing steam. Honestly, if this was the last season I’d be pretty happy. But it’s feeling like it’s going to overstay its welcome, and that it’s in the process of doing so right now.

Ugly Betty — I remember hearing that the network was stepping in to try and “fix” things after the lackluster second season, but I think they’ve done a little too much “fixing.” Resetting the status quo from the first season was more or less expected (I think several of us all called it in a matter of seconds), but on top of that it’s just been… well, even more lackluster than season two, and so intensely predictable that it’s a little jaw-dropping. I’m giving it until the end of November sweeps to pick itself back up, or it gets dropped.

Stylista — In the words of Michael Kors, “Trashy, trashy, trashy!” I cannot justify this as good television in any way, shape, or form. But I’m ready for a third episode this week. The dumb is so mind-bogglingly funny that I can’t turn away.

Already dropped: Fringe, 90210, Life on Mars, America’s Next Top Model.

At the Table With Anthony Bourdain
Tune in Monday, Oct. 20, at 10 p.m. ET (Travel Channel)

As you’d expect from an Anthony Bourdain vehicle, opinions fly and no topic is off limits as Tony hosts a no-holds-barred dinner with four featured guests. Joining Tony around the table are celebrated writer Bill Buford, “Nightlife Queen of New York” Amy Sacco, TV personality Ted Allen, and magazine editor and former gossip columnist Chris Wilson. They’ll debate the ethics of an $1,800 dinner, and Tony will reveal how he always, secretly hopes the waiters like him. Food and travel stories will run wild from Wylie Defresne’s restaurant wd~50 in New York City. Anything goes “At The Table With Anthony Bourdain.”

While I’m thinking about it, I too would like an $1,800 dinner if someone else is buying. Just putting that out there in case someone has a lot of spare cash lying around.

(On second thought, give me the $1,800, I’ll have a great dinner for quite a bit less, and keep the change.)

It’s amazing how much random stuff we accumulate over time. I know I regularly write here about needing to get rid of books I’ll never read again, but this opened my eyes up moreso than usual. Half-used bridge scoring notebooks, empty wine bottles that a friend had wanted to bottle his own wine (but never picked up), bags of old golf balls, recipe books that hadn’t been opened in decades.

And of course, the whole time, I’m thinking about my own apartment and wincing. Partially because I’m now of course thinking, “How much stuff should I be getting rid of?” And partially because it made me wonder what would happen if someone else had to go through all of my things. So I’m mentally pencilling in the weekend of the 27th (aka the only free one I have in a five week zone) to try and not just get rid of some books and clothes (my usual targets) but, well… all the little odds and ends.

(How many times have I claimed this?)

On the bright side, the mystery crud seems to have finally gone away, hurrah. Aside from that, it’s just been a little chaotic in Gregland, trying to get nine billion things done this week before heading back out of town tomorrow morning. And of course, the first of my four “preview week” performances at Shakespeare Theatre is tonight (Romeo & Juliet); if it was a regular ticket I’d have just exchanged them for ones later along, but because I went with the preview week package… not really that much of an option.

Oh, and clearly the new fall season is back because I am already behind on tv shows. How is that possible? And yet… and yet… oh well. Here’s what’s programmed into the DVR right now.

• Project Runway: Still amuses me, and with the shift to Lifetime (and BMP producing instead of Magical Elves) starting next season, this could potentially be the final hurrah.
• True Blood: I liked the pilot, in part because of the strength of the cast; definitely sticking around for more.
• Entourage: Was Vince always this punchable? Then again, he’s never been the “lead” really.
• 90210: Stop looking at me that way. I had to watch the 2-hour premiere, if only for nostalgia’s sake. And I swear, it’s like they dusted off 18-year old scripts and updated technology references. Bizarrely old fashioned. I suspect once the rest of the shows I like (or will try out) roll around, this will get the boot. And I’m already an episode behind.
• Fringe: Well, I recorded it, have yet to watch it. You see what I mean? Already getting behind. I’m cautiously optimistic, and I’ll probably give it at least two or three episodes. I enjoy Lost enough that a new J.J. Abrams show gets a shot. Hopefully it will be more Lost and less What About Brian? (which was wretched).
• America’s Next Top Model: The lure of the transgendered model who’s a local was enough to make me watch the first episode, which was entertaining. But I haven’t watched last night’s episode. Behind yet again!

And this is with How I Met Your Mother, Ugly Betty, The Office, Amazing Race, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Life on Mars all on deck for the fall season. Yeesh. I think this is why when shows go bad I don’t get upset (like Boston Legal or My Name is Earl), because it just means time spent doing other things.

On the bright side, unwatched tv shows only take up space on the DVR, not in my home. Unlike books. Ahem.