Totally Awesome News

The best kind of news article? I’ve decided it’s the kind where there’s a hidden surprise halfway through. It’s like one of those movies with the surprise twist halfway through, just when you think you know where it’s headed. (Although hopefully better than the last few M. Night Shyamalan movies. The only surprises left there are how much you’ll feel like you overpaid to see the film. But I digress.)

Take for instance, this lovely article from

Veteran Dallas County jail guard fired over comments
07:26 AM CDT on Tuesday, March 16, 2010
By KEVIN KRAUSE / The Dallas Morning News

A veteran Dallas County jail guard has been fired for making offensive comments about his religious beliefs to co-workers, including his contention that gays should be “put to death,” sheriff’s reports show.

At this point I’m thinking to myself, “Oh look, another boring article.” And as I read along, at first it seems fairly run-of-the-mill. Hates gay people, hates non-white people, and pulls out the whole “the Bible says slavery is all right.” Now to be fair, I am impressed that he pointed to the Bible’s pro-slavery passages, because normally people just go for the anti-gay stuff in that section. (Funny how no one ever goes for the “God says you may beat your children” and “mixed fibers are a sin” passages, but that’s another story.)

But then? Suddenly, with no warning…

“I believe that all dinosaurs were born of Satanic angel who has sex with woman and the animal kingdom that created ungodly reptilian creatures none of these were on the Ark,” Johnson said.

What the?!?!

As if to make you think you just mis-read that paragraph, the next two paragraphs are back to boring anti-gay, you’re-going-to-get-fired everyday material. But then we go back to the motherlode of awesome.

“He continued making statements which included his belief that God had sex with angels, and that dinosaurs were destroyed because man had sex with them, as well as his belief that the Devil had sex with humans,” the report concluded.

This is now, officially, the best news article ever. Also, I am going to write up a book proposal involving God having sex with angels, humans having sex with dinosaurs, the Devil having sex with humans, and Satanic angels giving birth to dinosaurs. I will sell a billion copies. Possibly more.

Also, I want to know just what it would look like to see a (Satanic) angel giving birth to an apatosaurus (the dinosaur formerly known as brontosaurus). Maybe someone could please computer animate this for me? If I ever have children, I am fairly certain I could show it to them to make them do… well… anything I want. “Brush your teeth or this might happen to you.” “Clean your room or you’ll give birth to a dinosaur.” Just think of the possibilities.

One thought on “Totally Awesome News

  1. Susan says:

    Owie. And awesome!

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